el cheapo
a loving tribute to the Portland Trail Blazers' thriftiest era
Total fictional savings this era
$0
all figures fictional, like the owner's empathy
"the shirt they didn't give you. available nowhere."
meme generator
create your own cost-cutting content
0
days since last embarrassing cost-cutting incident
this counter has never moved
the ledger
real incidents. fictional savings. devastating either way.
Kevin Calabro rejects a "subprime" offer, walks after 9 years
July 22, 2026
The voice of the Blazers since 2016 (and the Sonics for 22 years before that) let his contract expire, got a lowball renewal, and left. His own word for the offer: "subprime." Fitting, since Dundon made his fortune running a subprime auto lender that got sued for predatory lending. Calabro's verdict: "It was an easy decision: not worth my time."
$500,000
fictional. 0% down, 29.9% APR, dignity due at signing.
Entire broadcast booth cleared out to cut payroll
July 22, 2026
In one week Dundon parted ways with radio analyst Michael Holton (19 seasons, former Blazer), radio play-by-play Travis Demers (7 seasons), TV host Neil Everett (ex-ESPN), co-host Jamie Hudson, and statistician Tom Haberstroh. That is on top of the roughly 70 staff laid off in May. It is straight from his Hurricanes playbook, where a Hall of Fame broadcaster quit rather than take the pay cut and Dundon just aired the TV feed over the radio.
$0
fictional. next season's radio broadcast is just the TV audio anyway.
Wants taxpayers to cover his entire $600M arena renovation
June 2026
Fresh off a $4.25 billion purchase, Dundon wants the public to fund the Moda Center renovation. His pitch to the Portland Metro Chamber: "It feels like we're making a pretty big investment by staying here and paying these tax rates." The investment he is describing is continuing to exist in Oregon.
$600,000,000
real figurereal proposed renovation cost. the ask is all of it, from you.
City Council president compares him, unfavorably, to Paul Allen
July 2026
Council President Jamie Dunphy on the arena standoff: "Paul Allen always seemed to want to be in Portland... I don't think Tom Dundon is as concerned about that as he is getting a return on his investment." Dunphy added the city "won't be held hostage" and invited Blazers brass to a July 30 work session to answer the questions they keep dodging.
$0
the Paul Allen comparison is free. losing it is priceless.
Won't threaten to move the team, exactly
July 2026
The Moda Center lease runs through 2030, the earliest the team could even begin relocating. The Blazers insist "no one with the Blazers has ever said we want to move," while reminding everyone the lease expires in 2030. Asked to guarantee the team stays, Adam Silver would only say the deal "seems to have gone off track."
$0
leverage is free, as long as nobody says it out loud.
Two-way players reinstated for road travel
April 27, 2026
After three weeks of national coverage, leaked memos, and one playoff series spent watching from home, Caleb Love, Chris Youngblood, and Jayson Kent will now travel with the team. Estimated exposure: one road game. A Game 6 scenario has not been budgeted for.
Two-way players left in Portland for playoffs
Caleb Love, Chris Youngblood, and Jayson Kent watched the team's first playoff run in five years from home. Love had a career-high 26-point game during the regular season that helped save the Blazers' playoff hopes.
$8,400
fictional
Support staff forced to early hotel checkout
Team masseuse displaced before play-in game, no room to treat players. Coach Splitter reportedly worried it would affect Deni Avdija's performance.
$1,000,000
real figureestimated annual, per The Athletic
Game 3 t-shirt giveaway canceled
Fans arrived at first home playoff game in five years, no shirts. Co-owner promised "something even cooler" instead.
$48,000
fictional
Game 4 t-shirt giveaway canceled
Lightning doesn't strike twice, but cheapness does.
$48,000
fictional
Award-winning team photographer left behind
Did not travel to San Antonio for playoff series. Digital reporter also stayed home.
$4,200
fictional
Coaching search conducted during the playoffs
New names leaked nearly daily as interim coach Tiago Splitter tries to focus on the actual games. League source: "the most vicious thing I've encountered in 30-plus years."
$0
the disrespect is free
NBA commissioner forced to defend owner
Adam Silver had to publicly address Dundon's cost-cutting on a podcast less than a month into ownership.
$0
commissioner overtime not billable
Bill Simmons coins "El Cheapo" nickname
Most influential sports media personality of the last 25 years gives the new owner a nickname that appears to be sticking.
-$∞
in earned media, all negative
Gilbert Arenas weighs in on priorities
Former NBA guard questions cutting masseuse hotel costs ($250-500) while NBA benches look like 'a damn Wu-Tang show' with excess coaches. Warns agents will refuse to let players get drafted by Portland if penny-pinching continues.
$250
one hotel night for one masseuse
the fan wall
real reactions from r/ripcity. published with attribution. takedown requests honored — email hello@elcheapo.lol.
“their owner has been exposed as a raging prick. Tom Dumbdumb has earned the epithet, and every other vile sentiment you could throw his way”
— Drew Magary, SFGate
[source]“They're getting used Canes jerseys with the sleeves cut off. Dundon can't afford two logos.”
— u/gordongroans, r/ripcity
[source]“The fact this clown has become the storyline for us and not the fact we're in the playoffs for the first time in 5 years with an ascending star is awful.”
— u/gotpez, r/ripcity
[source]“Couldn't wait until his team completed the playoffs to make all these penny pinching decisions.”
— u/PollutionFragrant106, r/ripcity
[source]got your own cost-cutting directive? see the cheap seats →
fund the resistance
this site is free, hosted out of pocket, and made with love by a season ticket holder. if it made you laugh, throw a few bucks in the jar.
buy me a coffee