the cheap seats

Beginning Friday, the bench will be returned to its native state each evening. Players will report 90 minutes early to clear the topsoil, dandelions, and any small fauna that have established residence. Wildlife will be relocated humanely, mostly.

— submitted by k.w., a man who has thought about this too much

Effective immediately, the arena scoreboard will be powered by a single stationary bike pedaled by an unpaid intern. Score updates may lag by 1-3 possessions. The intern is doing their best.

— submitted by anonymous, section 213, has not slept

To reduce equipment expenditure, regulation basketballs will be replaced with seasonal cantaloupes (firm, lightly waxed) for the remainder of the playoffs. Cantaloupes will be sourced locally from the New Seasons on Burnside. Bounce inconsistency is a feature.

— submitted by p.h., has been thinking about this since tuesday

Beginning next homestand, the locker room will function on the honor system. Players are trusted to provide their own jerseys, towels, water, electrical service, and emotional support. Tom has every confidence in their resourcefulness.

— submitted by anonymous, who would simply like to be left alone

To eliminate facility overhead, the Trail Blazers will relocate operations to a yurt in the Moda Center parking lot beginning May 1. The yurt sleeps four. Players will rotate. Splitter has been notified.

— submitted by m.a., section 109, increasingly concerned about everything

From now on there will only be one functional unisex public restroom, and fans will be encouraged to either bring their own toilet paper or buy rolls that will be available for sale throughout the arena.

— submitted by anonymous